A samall (sic) Tinglish lesson (26 - 30 December 2015)

So Xmas is over and my first job on Boxing Day morning is to get Slingbox up and running and watch Downton Abbey. Despite freezing at a few pivotal moments I really enjoyed it. 

I have also spent my time here usefully improving my linguistic skills. Careful not to sound patronising every time I go somewhere new for a drink, I always ask for white wine and every time we go through the whole "aaah, why why" conversational exchange. My real Thai language is not improving although I have added one word to my four word vocabulary, "pakchee", the word for coriander so I can add "no" before it and avoid it everywhere. But my real linguistic breakthrough has been in my understanding of "Tinglish". I have realised that when Thai's speak English (a hell of a lot better than any English people appear to speak Thai), they put an "a" in any word beginning in two consonants. The conversations went like this:

"Your swimming pool has gone green again"

Puzzled looks, so I try moving the words around, this sometimes works.

"Your swimming pool again green"

More puzzled looks, I point to the pool and then to her green top.

A look of recognition

"Aaaah, sawimmng pool gareen, fix tomorrow"

The second learning conversation was me trying to explain how I had broken a glass trying to catch a rather large spider. The word spider was a real stumbling block so I Google a spider image. The resulting smile and "ah, sapider!" were a joy to behold. I just think she was glad it wasn't the crocodile she thought my acting ability was trying to indicate....

The third in 7/11 when trying to buy stamps. This really challenged my Thinglish. "Do you have stamps" didn't work, so I decided to use my Tinglish and leave off the end of the word and asked for "stam". Still no joy so I showed her the postcards and pointed to the area where the stamps go. This produced that lovely understanding smile and "Aaaaah, satams".

So now I always remember to use "samall" but never of course in connection with why why....

But in between all this new learning I continue to walk as much as I can and the morning walk is a chorus of Hello's, Bonjour's and Sawadeeka's. In order of appearance there's:

The French man who owns the cafe where Carole and I partake of the odd glass of rose when she's here. We are both convinced he used to be in the foreign legion..

The laundry lady with loads of cats and the most jumbled laundry I have ever seen, no idea how the right things ever get back to their owners.

The girls in the massage parlour getting ready for their day - that is real massage, none of the ones in this area are the "Thai" type, if you get my drift!

The laundry lady whose dogs also woof out a hello.

An older lady driving her motorbike and big sidecar with hot breakfast stuff, satay cooked to order on the portable BBQ.

An older man with breakfast buns on his side car tooting his horn as he detours round all the houses, I just hope no one's trying for a lie in...

Another massage lady who always tells me "exercise good".

The travel agent with his very tidy booking stall and family near the temple.

The Indian Thai lady in the shop near the temple.

The Taxi driver in his bamboo hut on the main road on the way back.

A bonjour from a Jeremy Paxman older brother lookalike on his bike.

The one armed man.

I'm exhausted by all these greetings by the time I get back!

And now is the time of year when the stiffies arrive - and of course I am talking about the invitations that are propped up on your mantelpiece... Mine to the New Year party of the year arrived on 30 December, slightly close to he wire I feel. Not sure I can face the juggling bartender again so soon..... But there again cocktails at less than a quid just may help!

And those of you who read the last post are probably sitting on the edge of your seats wondering was it a real mince pie or not. Sadly the Xmas mini pie miracle was not to be and it was exactly what it looked like, a small (samall) apple turnover with a rogue sultana peeping out the edge. Close but no cigar... As to whether the Mont Clair Brut miraculously tasted anything like wine will have to wait. I decided to keep that discovery to New Year's Eve and like a soap have yet another nail biting cliffhanger for you all...

A miracle at Xmas (24 - 25 December 2015)

 Perhaps this blog post should have been "please refer to blog of same date last year..." The Florist Resort threw their annual shindig last night, Xmas Eve dinner, billed as a BBQ on the beach. Something got lost in translation, it wasn't on the beach and BBQ was stretching things a bit - a BBQ grill half the size of a domestic grill pan rather ineffectually warming up satay sticks... But hey there was the entertainment. A band played, not too bad. This was followed by the Thai dancing, four of the housekeeping staff doing their bit, three of whom I think were remembering long ago dancing lessons, and did very good bending back the fingers Thai hand movements, but the fourth a young girl needed her L plates, obviously education cuts mean Thai dancing is off the curriculum these days. She was copying the others but a second or so behind everyone else... a bit like the buffering the dicey wiffy sometimes creates here. But then the headline of the evening appeared. Regular readers will know the juggling bartender as an old friend. All I can say is he may have improved a bit, he threw a few new moves, only dropped three flaming Malibu bottles and broke only one. Result! It is somewhat disconcerting though to see the manager fussing around before his act starts making sure a couple of waiters are around with the dustpans and brushes either side of the "stage"...  But he does do real bartender duties at £1 a go for any cocktail of your choice when he's not performing. But I shouldn't mock, in a world where most hotels in these parts charge upwards of £100 for a compulsory Gala Dinner on Xmas Eve, this one was £12 (beverage extra), and not compulsory. The hotel are very good to me so I am pleased to support them in return. Just a pity more guests didn't feel the same way, it was a bit empty....

I wimped out before the dancing started and was back on my terrace watching the torrential rain by 9pm.

So Xmas morn dawns and hallelujah, the rain has stopped so off I go for an early walk before the heat really builds. I reflect that of course here it's just another day, kids are going to school, shops and markets operate as normal, the bit of the main road I walk along is the usual rush hour of cars and motorbikes. I also reflect that for some people here, Xmas is not the wild present giving and peace to all mankind that we see. I pass a guy who does the "private recycling service" here. That translates to a poor bloke, thin as a stick every morning going through the black bags of rubbish that people leave out for collection to take out the plastic bottles. At 13p for a 600ml bottle of Nestle water in the 7/11, I can't imagine how little he actually gets paid for each one he harvests. What a job. And then there are the migrant workers. There are apparently some 2.5 million of them in Thailand, many working on building projects. They are bussed about to their jobs in the back of open trucks, crowded, out in the sun in a way we wouldn't be allowed to move livestock in the UK. Covered from head to toe to keep out the sun they must be cooking in the above 30 degree heat. I can only imagine how that feels to the men and women, yes, as many women as men are on the building sites I see working. These migrants are mainly from Burma and Laos. And of course yesterday at a court here in Samui, the two Burmese guys were found guilty and sentenced to death for the murder of the two British backpackers last year. I don't know all the ins and outs of it all but I do know that there is certainly a groundswell of opinion here that a miscarriage of justice has taken place. People say they know who is really guilty but it can't be proven or they are too frightened to testify. Who knows but a tragic situation all round. All I can hope is that the real truth, whatever that may be, emerges sooner rather than when and if it's too late.

So Xmas day progresses normally, that is I loll about on a sunbed, catching up with the Professional Masterchef Final on Slingbox and try to stay cool! Then I decide to do my domestics, take my laundry in to the Chinese laundry and nip up to Carrefour for supplies! It is in Carrefour that our Xmas miracle takes place. Every year I've been here I have searched for a mince pie. I've tried bringing them with me but they don't travel that well and three weeks in a suitcase doesn't do much for them. But i have never found one. So today in Carrefour I decide to have a little check in the bakery department and I spot in the "mini pie" section what looks like a small apple turnover shape with what looks like, joy of joys, mincemeat oozing out of the sides. Can I really have found the holy grail, a mincee in Thailand? Thai typo's are so common, this must mean mince pie, not mini pie. I can hardly contain myself and hand over my 12 Baht (24p) for my prize. This, I think will go so well with my purchase of Mont Clair Brut and make a true Xmas feast. So I must go now and see if this is indeed the miracle for which I hope. But thinking it through, the true miracle will be that the Mont Clair Brut tastes anything like wine, let alone champagne.....

Life in the slow lane (19 - 24 December 2015)

Most people think I live life in the slow lane at home but every year I am surprised at how much slower everything is here and it takes time to learn patience if your food takes a while to arrive (waiting for your why why is obviously an exception...) or in a queue in a shop. People wander about and get in your way. So I am trying to go with the flow more. This did fail me miserably though with the usual tech issues that appear each trip. The iffy wiffy in the hotel was resolved easily enough by them finally installing an extra router near my room. At least in the mornings and afternoons so far it's been good enough for a decent slingbox signal so I am happy in the anticipation of watching the Downton Abbey Christmas episode as well as having been able to catch up with the Apprentice, Gogglebox, the Supervet and the other highly cultural programmes which are my viewing choices! This time it was Apple letting me down. They seem to be catching Windows up for annoying bugs! I updated the iPad mini to ios9 just before I left. That managed to mess up any wifi signal. It also messed up Overdrive which is what I use to download and read my library books. And now there are documents on my iPad Air that I can't open unless I upgrade Pages, Numbers etc. But I can't  do that unless I upgrade the iPad Air to ios9 and I can't do that because then I wouldn't be able to get library books on that either. So now I have to read library books on the bigger iPad Air, not on the mini.... One of these days technology will work seamlessly.... And whilst I hate Sevenoaks District Council with a passion, Kent County Council at least are redeeming themselves with their Library Services trying to resolve the Overdrive issue. 

The other thing that is now odd here are carrier bags. I have obviously finally learned at home to manage without so it's really strange here to be given one with everything you buy, but the people in the shops are obviously quite used to taking them back! Not surprising really with the high number of Europeans here. The tourist mix here continues to evolve. Still lots of Northern Europeans, still very few Brits and Aussies. For some reason a number of Turkish restaurants have opened up. Russian is still on a few menus but it being increasing replaced with Mandarin Chinese. Perhaps a new measure of the Global economy! But the Chinese tourists continue to get a really bad press here with their apparent lack of understanding of local cultural norms and hygiene. Mind you the Russians, male and female, aren't much better parading down the road a long way from a beach in very brief and revealing swimwear.

The weather here has been its usual up and down self, from days where it's been so hot even I'm complaining to the last 36 hours where it has rained - as in tropical downpour - virtually non stop. It plays havoc with any planned walking schedule, even when it clears up it can come back so fast you really can get caught out. The rain dropped the temperature so much that it was time for the long sleeved t shirt... But the heavy rain does clear the air and this morning on my walk - like Deryn's doggie walk series, although the doggies aren't cute little Bertie but rather more scary feral temple dogs - the air looked nice and clear.

But going back to life in the slow lane, there's a guy wandering about here who is the spitting image of Tom Hanks in his Castaway role. Bent almost double with a long grey beard he seems to be scavenging anything he can, taking his time it seems to examine every square inch he sees. Perhaps I better take care I don't slow down quite that much...

Return of the prodigal (16 December 2015)

Regular readers may have noted a rather abrupt end to the blog in April. Not that I'm one to apportion blame you understand but David, we are still waiting for your guest editor Saigon entry... But also being one to move on I can now summarise it as follows:

"We had a fab time, flashpacking in a posh hotel, seeing all the sights and eating in the best restaurants. Ant and David continued their flashpacking in Hong Kong and Gill went home."

And time flies by so fast Saigon is a distant dream and I now find I am back here in Samui and it all feels a bit like return of the prodigal. Back in the Florist Resort for Xmas and New Year and I do feel a bit of a celebrity. My new name seems to be Kuhn Gill, Kuhn being a term a bit like "Auntie" or "Ma'am" but also a mark of respect. Apparently the King's rather lovely dog also is called by this honorary title.... 

I was also greeted at the airport by the manager with a big bouquet of orchids, well it is the Florist Resort after all..... and I get a free dinner and the fruit bowl. The day after I arrive there is also one of the returning guest parties so free nibbles and Thai whiskey mojito's all round. They came courtesy of a Mekong whiskey promotion and tasted a lot better than they sound! More blue sunny skies today but all of last week apparently it was "very raining". But whilst for the last few years it has been almost cool here in the evenings up until Xmas, not this year. It feels a lot hotter and a lot more humid than usual, and just as I was about to type it hasn't rained yet since I've been here, a wind blew up all of a sudden and the skies are darkening as we speak. And I know it sounds a bit strange coming from me, but a bit of rain might be good to cool things down from the humid 32 it's been...

Mostly everything here is the same, a few restaurants have closed down and a few new ones opened up. One of my favourites from last year, the Well Done has changed hands, not for the better, the menu is identical but when I asked for a few of my favourites the reply was always "we no have..." New ones to try though are the Korean BBQ and the health food tapas joint... The ubiquitous Mont Claire why why sadly doesn't change either...

Carole and my favourite deli, run by a British family has been shuttered up since I got here so we will need to go elsewhere for a lunchtime sandwich. But no fear Carole, the French cafe is still open, guess I need to advise Monsieur le Patron to stock up on a few extra bottles of rose....

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