We arrive at the Nam Hai for a relaxing week of utter luxe. Situated on a stretch of the 30 kms China Beach just outside Hoi An, even we were amazed at the luxury that we beheld (see pics). As we were shown around our 3 bedloom, 1 Living pavilion, 1 maid’s suite villa with private infinity pool in luscious widespread grounds by our personal butler, “Numbers at the Nam Hai” came to mind. Here they are:
Butlers - 1
Room housekeeping crew - 3
Pool boys - 2
Gardeners - 2
No of handymen - 2
No of visits by Executive chef - 2
No of visits by Villa manager - 1
No of catered parties - 1
No of seating places in all villas - 87
No of freestanding villas for our use - 5
No of coffee tables in Living room villa` - 12
No of sunbeds - 6
No of double daybeds - 8
No of ceiling fans -12
No of times room cleaned in a day - 3
Square meterage of buildings - 520
Square meterage of gardens - 1015
No of huge garden urns - 9
No of gardens - 4
No of dining tables - 3
Square meterage of pool – 20 metres by 6 metres - 120
No of baths - 3
No of outdoor showers - 2
No of indoor showers - 4
No of metres of beachfront - 60
No of times we have been called Sir and Madam by butler - Too many to count
No of sets of stairs to beach - 2
No of huge flatscreen tv’s - 4
No of 80 G iPods - 3
No of afternoon teas served by butler - 7
No of evening drinks/canapés served by butler - 7
No of moonlight swims - 7
No of spa sessions - 4
No of complimentary limo trips into Hoi An - 4
No of golf cart rides between villa and public areas - 20
No of times M&M jars refilled - 5
No of Acqua di Parma products per room - 10
No of days sunshine - 7
No of postcards written on Ant’s behalf by butler - 2
No of visits by hotel shop manager for shopping/shipping - 1
Number of days worked by locals on average salary to pay for 1 night -1800
No of poor people at resort - NIL!
Bedroom villas - 3
Private temperature controlled, infinity edge 120 square metre pool (ours) -1
No of shared pools for poor people who don’t have a private one - 3 huge
Lotus fish pools in our private grounds - 1
Living room villa - 1
Butler’s quarters (separate building) 1 bed, 1 bath, 1 loo, 1 kitchen - 1
Carafes of complimentary spirits - unlimited
Fridges full of complimentary sweets, ginger, Pringles, beers, soft drinks - unlimited
No of bottles of cold water delivered to poolside by butler - Lots
No of bags of complimentary laundry sent - 14
No of entrances to our estate for us - 3
No of staff entrances - 1
No of times the footprint of Ant’s house would fit in pool - 1
No of frogs - Many
No of Princes - Probably many!
No of times we have requested pool temperature change - 4
No of degrees of pool at its hottest - In the 30’s, warm enough to boil a lobster!
Average daytime temperature - 34
No of typhoons missed (just!) -1
Level of continuous excitement - extreme
No of jaws dropping when first shown around - 2
No of bottles of Tattinger champagne as welcome gift - 1
Average no of courses eaten at each breakfast - 5
No of breakfasts eaten in restaurant overlooking sea - 12
No of breakfast served next to private infinity pool by butler - 2
No of florists visits - 4
No of fresh fruit bowls provided during week - 7
No of fruits eaten from said bowls - NIL
Kilometres of beach - 30
No of films on entertainment system -100
No f CD’s on entertainment system - 75
No of Bose sound systems - 4
Hours worked by personal butler during stay - 70
No of sleeps in most dreamy, comfortable beds ever 14
No of full moons - 1
No of Cham Islands in distance - 5
No of neighbouring fishing villages - 2
No of personal temples - 1
No of libraries - 1
No of complete books read - NIL – too busy enjoying our surroundings to concentrate
Minutes we’ve hated - NIL
Butlers - 1
Room housekeeping crew - 3
Pool boys - 2
Gardeners - 2
No of handymen - 2
No of visits by Executive chef - 2
No of visits by Villa manager - 1
No of catered parties - 1
No of seating places in all villas - 87
No of freestanding villas for our use - 5
No of coffee tables in Living room villa` - 12
No of sunbeds - 6
No of double daybeds - 8
No of ceiling fans -12
No of times room cleaned in a day - 3
Square meterage of buildings - 520
Square meterage of gardens - 1015
No of huge garden urns - 9
No of gardens - 4
No of dining tables - 3
Square meterage of pool – 20 metres by 6 metres - 120
No of baths - 3
No of outdoor showers - 2
No of indoor showers - 4
No of metres of beachfront - 60
No of times we have been called Sir and Madam by butler - Too many to count
No of sets of stairs to beach - 2
No of huge flatscreen tv’s - 4
No of 80 G iPods - 3
No of afternoon teas served by butler - 7
No of evening drinks/canapés served by butler - 7
No of moonlight swims - 7
No of spa sessions - 4
No of complimentary limo trips into Hoi An - 4
No of golf cart rides between villa and public areas - 20
No of times M&M jars refilled - 5
No of Acqua di Parma products per room - 10
No of days sunshine - 7
No of postcards written on Ant’s behalf by butler - 2
No of visits by hotel shop manager for shopping/shipping - 1
Number of days worked by locals on average salary to pay for 1 night -1800
No of poor people at resort - NIL!
Bedroom villas - 3
Private temperature controlled, infinity edge 120 square metre pool (ours) -1
No of shared pools for poor people who don’t have a private one - 3 huge
Lotus fish pools in our private grounds - 1
Living room villa - 1
Butler’s quarters (separate building) 1 bed, 1 bath, 1 loo, 1 kitchen - 1
Carafes of complimentary spirits - unlimited
Fridges full of complimentary sweets, ginger, Pringles, beers, soft drinks - unlimited
No of bottles of cold water delivered to poolside by butler - Lots
No of bags of complimentary laundry sent - 14
No of entrances to our estate for us - 3
No of staff entrances - 1
No of times the footprint of Ant’s house would fit in pool - 1
No of frogs - Many
No of Princes - Probably many!
No of times we have requested pool temperature change - 4
No of degrees of pool at its hottest - In the 30’s, warm enough to boil a lobster!
Average daytime temperature - 34
No of typhoons missed (just!) -1
Level of continuous excitement - extreme
No of jaws dropping when first shown around - 2
No of bottles of Tattinger champagne as welcome gift - 1
Average no of courses eaten at each breakfast - 5
No of breakfasts eaten in restaurant overlooking sea - 12
No of breakfast served next to private infinity pool by butler - 2
No of florists visits - 4
No of fresh fruit bowls provided during week - 7
No of fruits eaten from said bowls - NIL
Kilometres of beach - 30
No of films on entertainment system -100
No f CD’s on entertainment system - 75
No of Bose sound systems - 4
Hours worked by personal butler during stay - 70
No of sleeps in most dreamy, comfortable beds ever 14
No of full moons - 1
No of Cham Islands in distance - 5
No of neighbouring fishing villages - 2
No of personal temples - 1
No of libraries - 1
No of complete books read - NIL – too busy enjoying our surroundings to concentrate
Minutes we’ve hated - NIL
Walks on beach - Not enough
No of photos taken of rooms/pool - Many thousands
No of people in 3 bedrooms villas designed for 6 - 2
No of palm trees in grounds - 23
No of squid boats offshore each night - Too many to count
No of times manager has searched us out to make sure all was fab - 2
No of times we have thought of American’s R & R ing on this beach - daily
No of breaststrokes taken to swim length of pool -Ant -15, Gill – 23
No of hours spent in pool - Too many to count
No of times we have referred to each other to butler as “Sir” or “Madam- Too many to count
No of reservations made on our behalf by butler - 18
What we know about butler - Nothing
What we need to know about butler (apart from that she can do her job) - Nothing
No of gold lined bowls purchased - 4
No of gold lined bowls shipped home - 4
No of overnight candles lit by butler in rooms - 28
No of towels used in week - Too many to count
Carbon footprint - Enormous
No of paper napkins - Nil
No of huge starched cotton napkins - thousands
No of photos taken of rooms/pool - Many thousands
No of people in 3 bedrooms villas designed for 6 - 2
No of palm trees in grounds - 23
No of squid boats offshore each night - Too many to count
No of times manager has searched us out to make sure all was fab - 2
No of times we have thought of American’s R & R ing on this beach - daily
No of breaststrokes taken to swim length of pool -Ant -15, Gill – 23
No of hours spent in pool - Too many to count
No of times we have referred to each other to butler as “Sir” or “Madam- Too many to count
No of reservations made on our behalf by butler - 18
What we know about butler - Nothing
What we need to know about butler (apart from that she can do her job) - Nothing
No of gold lined bowls purchased - 4
No of gold lined bowls shipped home - 4
No of overnight candles lit by butler in rooms - 28
No of towels used in week - Too many to count
Carbon footprint - Enormous
No of paper napkins - Nil
No of huge starched cotton napkins - thousands
