My name is Ms Phuong, but Sir and Madam have no idea how to pronounce it, they just shout rather loudly as if I were deaf. I have had the pleasure of looking after them for 7 days now. The fact that they have been able to stay here for 7 days and nights must mean that they have very many paddy fields at home, and last year must have been a bumper harvest for them. They have been a delightful Sir and Madam and excesses have been kept to a minimum. I live in a local town and my English is very good. I don’t think they fully understand this as I have heard them refer to me as Ping Pong when they think I can’t hear. But I don’t mind - they are kind, gentle and good looking people and very thin just like Posh & Becks. They are also very clean as I have to send their whole wardrobe to the complimentary laundry every day. They have some beautiful things, especially the bespoke tailoring, shoes and jewellery that they have commissioned here. I have heard others talking about bespoke clothes made in faraway places called Paris and Madrid, but I know that the clothes, jewellery and shoes they have had made here are much better quality as my town of Hoi An is known for this throughout my country. I was born to serve. I have to wear a lovely uniform every day including the conical hat and shoes that are easy to remove before I enter into any of their five villas. I especially like my butler’s uniform as it is much more stylish and special than the ones worn by those I command – the housekeeping, laundry, gardeners, pool boys etc. I spend my entire day looking after only them and am never more than 10 metres away or within shouting distance of Sir – Madam is a little more reticent, but I have noticed as the week has gone on that her confidence with servants has grown. This must mean that Sir’s paddy fields must be bigger than Madam’s and he must have even more staff. My first job of the day whilst they are still asleep is to clear up the remnants of their midnight swim removing the damp towels strewn across the garden, the empty glasses , old newspapers and assorted designer flips flops. I also bring order to the extremely expensive cameras and video equipment they leave around. Some mornings, I have to serve their breakfast by their private infinity edge pool, the order for which I have taken the night before. This normally entails tea, coffee, baskets of bread and pastries, bacon, eggs, freshly squeezed tropical juices, etc. It is amazing they are still so thin and gorgeous after eating all this food. During their breakfast I do the first room tidy of the day, mainly beds and towels folded, candles blown out and removed, blinds opened – of course I don’t do serious cleaning, that is undertaken by the housekeeping dept later. After breakfast as I clear away I also have to manage housekeeping, pool boys and gardeners as they creep around the villas un noticed by Sir and Madam – all that Vietcong training came in useful after all. I collect their laundry and despatch their beautiful clothes (they do change a lot) to our specialist laundry. By this time Sir and Madam are likely to be in the warm pool. I place the newspaper carefully on their daybeds and keep up the continual supply of iced water and fresh towels. I also keep their complimentary maxi bars fully stocked with cold soft drinks, beer, crystallised ginger, cashew nuts, M&M’s, Snicker’s bars and Nam Hai Pringles. This facility is only needed during the night hours as during the day I will serve whatever they need. But they are so careful of their nutritional intake, they need to have continual supplies at hand. I hate to think of them having to serve these items to themselves but unfortunately, I do have to sleep sometime. I also keep the espresso and latte machine filled and ready for action, as they are able to choose from six types of coffee and five types of tea. I do sometimes worry that this is not enough choice for people with such discerning palates and have reported this back to the managers here. This restocking keeps me quite busy as they have the facility of emptying all 3 maxi bars in all 3 bedroom villas with astonishing regularity. By 11am I can tell that Madam is itching for a gin and Sir is not far behind - I understand in English this is called the dog of the hair. So I pour 2 large measures of gin/vodka with coke, ice and lime to keep them refreshed, and deliver to the pool along with a nice dry towel for their hands so the glasses don’t slip. I usually have a number of messages to do for them at this time, I love the variety – who knows what I could be doing - arranging spa reservations, transfers to Hue, limousine bookings, buggy bookings to transport them to the hotel restaurant or to catch their limousine to town, dinner reservations in Hoi An (and I always get the best tables), personal shopping and shipping, writing their postcards, sending their mail, liaising with the executive chef and ground crews for their catered party for Tuesday night, taking their lunch order, arranging the almost daily changing of the pool temperature (they are such delicate people, the right temperature is critical), showing them yet again how to manage the in villa Bose sound system (given they have such big paddy fields they are not too good with technology), and of course the incessant towel changing, I cannot let a damp towel near their polished and toned bodies. If Sir and Madam are lunching in villa, I serve. Although I don’t wish to leave them, I need to take a very short lunch break each day at 11.30 am, I take this early as I need to be back by midday to sort out any lunch they may require, but I always ask their permission before I go. Their lunch is shortly followed by afternoon tea. They have a preference for Jasmine and I am pleased to see they always finish the cakes and sandwiches completely, regardless of whether or not they have taken lunch. Soon after this, they nod off on one of their eight daybeds scattered in the grounds and are seen to be snoring like hippos for a couple of hours – this is their least flattering period. Late afternoon I return their laundry, hanging the wonderful garments carefully in the cedar wood wardrobes, turn down beds, light candles, change towels again and generally prepare their rooms for the night. Normally, my last task of the day is to serve early evening wine and canapés. I am often exhausted but their smiles are all the reward I need as I go sleepily home. Occasionally, I also have the honour to work even longer hours, for example some other rich Swiss friends of Madam (something to do with Swiss Banks perhaps?) are arriving and we are having a surprise barbecue to celebrate Madam No 2’s birthday. This is so exciting for me – it means I can spend even more hours at their beck and call - deep joy. I am the envy of all the other butlers. Their party guests are arriving at 4pm when I will serve champagne and birthday cake. I have already arranged for a buggy and limo to take them to Hoi An at 5.30pm (mustn’t forget to call and book their drinks table for that). Whilst they are out enjoying post birthday cake, pre dinner drinks, I will coordinate the ground and engineering crews who will transform the grounds into a lanterned fantasy. Interestingly, I heard Sir refer to this design as Widow Twanky’s but I am not sure what he means by this, all I know it will be very stylish if they are involved. I will also liaise with the chefs and waiters who will cook and serve their Vietnamese barbecue. I will definitely try and find a minute to hide away and raise a glass of water to wish No 2 Sir and Madam (their names are Carole and Dave)a happy birthday and a wonderful stay in my country. It has been a real pleasure to serve the best Sir and Madam ever. Although they have kept me busy, I will shed a secret tear as I leave my staff entrance after they leave on their journey over the Hoi Van pass to Hue and I hope that their butler in their next hotel enjoys serving them as much as I have. I understand they are leaving the Nam Hai for a “backpacker” hotel. I do not know what this means, but it must be fabulous if they are staying there. Goodnight and good fortune. May you see many Full Moons. Ms Phuong, 23 April 2008.
